There's nothing that warms a former corporate loser's soul than word that his former employer continues the downward spiral into decimation, which is a wordy way of saying that our resident spacepimp has been ecstatic over recent word that Unisys is biting the big one - hard.
As if last week's announcement that their headquarters was...for sale?!?!...or yesterday's announced screwup with the Department of Veteran's Affairs, there's this gem of a posting on their Yahoo! Finance Message Board:
Joe Blows a Fuse
It was unusually warm and tranquil during the British Open. The golfers took advantage of the weather and scored well. Spectators got more sun and less windburn than ever before. A great time for all, right?
Not exactly. Since all of us corporate travelers know that hotel rooms in Europe can often lack heating and air conditioning, it comes as no surprise that the comforts of US hospitality facilities may be somewhat lacking. Enter Joe M. and the entourage.
It seems that Joe and company were quite upset at the lack of air conditioning in their quarters. Since poop flows downhill, Joe's personal concierge takes action to ensure His Majesty's comfort. He orders a bunch of window air conditioners for the entire royal party. Needless to say, these hotels don't have A/C for a reason... the wiring won't support it!!!
Ahhh... these UISers...Brainiacs, they're not. Well, as Unisys luck would have it, the thinkable happens. Upon flicking the switch, pop goes the weasel and the hotel circuitry goes into cardiac arrest.
This isn't an episode from the Keystone Cops, I assure you. You just can't make this stuff up!!!
Needless to say, if and when Rubberneck decides to pen his corporate autobiography, it will make creative reflections such as Office Space, Microserfs and The Office look tame by comparison. When pressured recently by Love to "document the atrocities he witnessed" at Unisys, Rubberneck replied wih usual aplomb:
Look...Riley Martin wasn't prepared to talk about the horror he experienced along that river, when a voice spoke unto him, "O Kwan Tanzin Wan," until many, many years hence.
Mine is a similar plight. But I will say this about McGrath - if Mussolini and Mel Brooks had a baby that dove headlong into corporate dicksuckery, it'd look like him.
Everybody really should know a spacepimp, don't you agree?
Baby Joey,
You know you'll find your way here. Your ego couldn't stand not to follow the link from the message board; while you'd never admit to it, even to your concubinisys, you can't keep yourself from it....I mean, you ain't actually spending your days doing anything productive -- the time in between meetings where you send your direct reports to chase one hairbrained scheme after another has to be filled with SOMETHING.
So, let me be real, because I am keeping it real: you've failed, and I'm sure you are hoping that booze and money can keep you from realizing that your ego is as hollow as that goddam rugby story you made the comms people post on the internal net.
Christ, man, have some dignity.
Posted by: Neqq | 2006.08.16 at 09:42