AMEN

F-STOP: FOX SEARCHLIGHT, SATISFYING YOUR ZOOEY JONES IN 2009

First thought...Sundance hipsters have remade Enchanted. Yay!

Second thought...hate the voiceover.

Lastly...Zooey...now and forever. Amen.

MEN I LOVE, VOL. VI

You really should be reading Zaius Nation. If you did, you'd be fawning over his Photoshopped treatment of Bobby Jindel as well. Feel the glee...

I mean, are these not the greatest...

Some would say his status as an ape should disqualify him from my love. I say it's 2009 people. Wake up and accept our evolution!

PREVIOUSLY, ON MEN I LOVE
Robert Downey Jr.
Andrew Goldenberg
Art Garfunkel
The Unbalanced Man
Grampa

CHOICE CUTS: PHILADELPHIA, MONGOL THIS CLOSE TO A THREE-PEAT

Anyone who's ever savored the sweet meatiness of Eskimo's Handsome Boy Chili knows it's ever sweeter when its maker is annually crowned the winner of Phillyskyline's chilifest at The Tritone. And while B Love is putting out the call for a new batch of worthy competitors to unseat the two-time reigning champ, let it be known that our resident Mongol isn't resting on the laurels of the past. In fact, he's coming off a rare loss at a similiar chili-off last year at the Ethical Society. But even I considered that a stunning achievement; to place third with a patented pork infested concoction in a room full of Rittenhouse Hebrews speaks volumes. Tastes even better.

THE DEPARTMENT OF POSTS I DEMAND BE GIVEN A SECOND CHANCE PRESENTS "A WOOKIEE'S ODE TO LANCE REDDICK"

Look into those eyes. This guy will kick your ass and then fuck your wife. Not vaginally, mind you, but rather, aurally. His role on The Wire was merely a ruse. He's no suit, but rather a stone-cold player, one equally at ease finding solitude on a beach as much as making love to the camera. Headshots only, friendo - I mean, he only has like two-thousand to his name, all on glorious display over at LanceReddick.com.

No doubt, this cat was born to soothe the world with his Al Jarreauesqueness, all while giving sweaters a good name. In a world where it's play or get played, Reddick's made the choice. And in his honor, I shall populate the Earth to this music.

RELATED: M.I.A. AND BLAQSTARR GO WAY DOWN IN THE HOLE

GOOGLED

Back in 1997, at my first real out-of-college job, I worked for a guy who had frequent sexual encounters with Monica Malpass. They might have even been dating. I know this because it was the first thing the office gossip mongers told me about him, and that they often trysted on the leather couch in his office.

Suffice to say, on the two occasions I found myself in his office, I couldn't stop staring at the couch, amazed that I was this close to such celebrity.

But I digress.

This week's Henry Stanley's to my Dr. Livingstone's...

channel fuck you, cathy gandolfo, explain amen, what nationality is monica malpass, camp cropper whores, Indian band Pink Noice, tv channels fuck

CHANNEL NEVERFAILS: REMEMBER WHEN WE ALL WANTED TO BE MARTY McFLY

If nothing else, this would have prevented one great movie from becoming one lame trilogy. Tip of the furr to the geeks over at Cinematical.

NOW PLAYING - SUBSPACE BIOGRAPHIES #4

2007. Somewhere in America, it feels just like today.

BREAKING: GIL SPENCER THIS CLOSE TO LOSING HIS SHIT

If Jim Gardner can be trusted, the Delaware County Times will be printing newspapers come Friday, but not checks for their employees. Surveying the paper's blogs, all while ignoring the overwhelming sense of WOW that Delaware County Times writers actually maintain blogs, I have to admit a certain pang of comraderie for Gil Spencer, a sudden urge to give the man a hug. He sees the signs, silences his keypad, and takes a stab at a new skillset.

Photoshop, anyone?

An added bonus, the definition of irony - the Daily News covering the demise of the Daily Times.

UPDATE: No worries - the Gil Spencer I grew up hating is back with a vengenence, 10 posts before 9AM this morning - Obama's backsliding, Keith Olbermann's a hack, childish Dems, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Welcome back, Gil - and pray you don't need to rely on those Photoshop skills.

F-STOP: TUESDAY MORNING COCKFIGHTS

Their respective trailers...slightly underwhelming, but I'd love to see these insta-classic one-sheets duke it out.

Advantage: Statham

CHANNEL NEVERFAILS: FORGETTING BILLY MAYS

In a world where one could argue that the crumbling economy is built on the salesmanship of Billy Mays and the shitty product lines that have all but taken over every Bed, Bath & Beyond across this great land, it's time for us to eradicate the poisons of yesteryear, cleansing ourselves as an act of renewal, an act both spiritual as it is economically sound, but only if you act within the next 10 minutes.

To that end, ladies and germs, may I introduce you to the consummate showmanship that is Klee Irwin and his Dual Action Cleanse.

"Oh my goodness, that's not pretty."