AMEN

GENUFLECT: ALL HAIL ZAIUS!

RELATED: There is No Fool Like an April Fool (With Sprinkles)

SUBURBAN HYMNS: REMEMBER HAIL

Within the last year, I've beheld two hail storms, and both times I've noted the same, ultrafresh scent in the air, as if Mother Nature just scrubbed the shit out of her atmosphere - or if nothing else, the surrounding plant life.

It's a smell I never experienced in the years spent in South Philly, mostly due to the fact that I can't remember a memorable hail storm during that span, but probably because there was so much more to smell. The majority of it invigorating; a pizza oven here, the Vietnamese bakery over there. Concrete, the neighbors pasta making, the other's exuberant weed toking.

Sure, it was the city, so every now and again the pungent smell of piss, and the sweet odor birthed from the molecular breakdown of alcohol in a stash of emptied bottles. But all of it wonderfully varied, joyously alive.

On the other hand, the suburbs have no smell. Here, it's merely fresh after a hailstorm, and stinky after I fart. Before last weekend's deluge, I hadn't even considered the lack of scent. Now, I contemplate an aromatic sea change, led by buckets of hail, with a cleansing force reminiscent of Indy's fabled ark.

"Don't look at it, Marion. Just keep your eyes shut!"

WORLD PREMIERE: DJ KOOL VS. CONGRESS

Jimmy Fallon may have The Roots, but I will always have DJ Kool. Clear your throat, genuflect, turn up the synth, homegirl! A Wookified Video Mash, starring Barack Obama, John McCain and Steven Seagal.

GENUFLECT: IF YOUR PHONE CAN FART, YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM

The expenditure of political viritol in '08 had left me in a rather passive state these last few months, obviously not helped by the fact that (a) "we" won and (b) the oh-so poorly timed break Real Time took right before the election cycle wrapped.

To which nothing gets the pilot light back to the on position quite like Bill Mahr's absolute disdain at our culture.

To which I ask...Bill, does it count if the Snuggie was gifted?

NOT WITH A BANG, BUT A WHIMPER

I cry today, not so much for the promise of tomorrow, but for the fact that an entire dresser drawer filled to the brim with the rubbery doppelgangers of Bush-era all stars will soon be rendered totally obsolete, as the fleshy molds all but disappear into the woodwork of America. I also can’t help but feel a tinge of regret that they weren’t employed more creatively within the construct of the last eight years – their investment deserved more, even if monies won from The John Ashcroft Video Project all but covered their expense.

Still, the Republican Fight Song will always endear because of where it’s production fell – in 2004, halfway between the entry and exit wounds, with lyrics as base as the visuals, all speaking to just how black and white our world, and more importantly its discourse, had become. We were merely kids with a video camera, on the brink of adulthood, which for our generation meant we had just turned thirty, and this would mark the last time a creative endeavor saddled with a budget would be conducted in a state of mind bordering on absolute shitfacedness.

Come around here…no more.

THE WORLD IS A VAMPIRE

Additional residual bonus from Tuesday's cornfucking - Colmes' grows a set of balls and begins to steal the limelight from the fuckwad on the other end of the table. There's something simply awe-inspiring about how we works up the confidence to lead America's favorite plumber right down the jingoistic path to...his own stint on America's welfare rolls?!?

If there is a god...Palin/Wurzelbacher in '12!

RELATED: WITH CULTURE WAR SAMMICH REMOVED FROM MENU, REPUBLICANS FORCED TO EAT THEMSELVES

KISS THIS KISS THIS ELECTION GOODBYE THREAD GOODBYE WITH ONE LAST PARTING SHOT

"The greatness of America lies not in being more enlightened than any other nation, but rather in her ability to repair her faults," - Alexis de Tocqueville.

Photoshopped majesty courtesy of The Love Movement via Ropeadope.

KISS THIS ELECTION GOODBYE AWARDS: BEST TEARS

KISS THIS ELECTION GOODBYE AWARDS: MOST UNEXPECTED DEFEAT, NON-PROP 8 DIVISION

Measure R falls into a steaming pile of it. As Love laments, "too bad our sewage won't be a testament for slime."

KISS THIS ELECTION GOODBYE AWARDS: CRAZIEST FACTOID OF ELECTION NIGHT, NON-VOTE COUNT DIVISION

David Gregory is only 38?!?

Redefining "weathered" for the post-Obama landscape.