AMEN

CHEESE OF THE WEEK: FELLATING PAT BURRELL, ONE CHEESY '80s POWER BALLAD AT A TIME

As reported by Team Illadelph, Pat Burrell was granted a final curtain call at CBP on Saturday, and while initial reports focused entirely on the use of Foreigner's "I Want to Know What Love Is", the fact that this monumental testament to every Delaware County prom held in either '85 / '86 is at least tempered by a little Tom Petty. But oh, when Lou Gramm's white soul kicks in, so does my inner girly man. GUSH!

Truth be told, the entire Phillies organization should be ashamed that they tried to top YouTube user TheJMan927's impeccably produced ode to The Bat. Just for a minute, picture this projected high atop the jumbotron...

And just when one's thinking there couldn't possibly be a cheesier melding of Phillies, man-love and video tributology, well...you obviously didn't get this invite in the mail today.

"GUILTY" BECOMES THE FIRST CASUALTY OF SNOW DAY 2009

Today's closing arguments by Team Fumo get pushed a day, meaning this whole thing just might see Easter yet, and, by proxy, the regurgitated vendetta against Councilman DiCicco by one "wascly wabbit".

2007: Pink wabbits were sooooo in!

WHILE SOME WORRY OVER SNOW TOTALS, WE ROLL DIFFERENTLY AT THE COMCAST CENTER

These are the questions that try our souls. Ladies and gentleman, today's first work-related inquiry, delivered by the power of the intranets...

"You know, I really need to know WHY are there two different kinds of TP in the mens room?? One thin and smooth, one thick and textured. This is some procedure that missed during my formative years and am really at a loss as to how to proceed. And while we are on the subject, if there is no smoking anywhere in the building why does the mens room smell like smoke and why are there little ashes on the floor of some of the stalls."

In other news, Ralph's Cafe is hosting the Phillies' World Championship trophy this afternoon. Comcasters only, if you will.

RELATED: "The tenderness of the delicate American buttock is causing more environmental devastation than the country's love of gas-guzzling cars" NAMED GREATEST LEAD TO A STORY EVER.

SPOTTED: SIXERS GAME SPORTS SUPPORT FOR LOSING WAYS, BREASTS

Just another family outing at the Sixers game Saturday night, where highlights included:

Mary Carey and all of her appendages - being two of the largest breasts on record and a small cup that, if containing alcohol, surely spoils the remaining episodes of Sober House for Herr Wook. For the record - the guys in section 105, big fans and not afraid to lift their shirts in honor.

A very pregger Jennapher Fredericks, surely reeling from Dan McQuade's temporary retirement.

A halftime show that featured both (a) the Catholic school girl 'tude of the St. Joe's Dance Team followed by (b) seven minutes of Hip-Hop - whose involvement during the game is now on par with Jerry Springer's role on "America's Got Talent" - handing off basketballs to the bustiest of Sixers dancers, who in turn ran the court in ever more feeble attempts at dunking off a trampoline. All of this captured expertly by the Jumbotron, which fittingly enough, was next used to hunt down the wholesomeness of McDonald's "Small Fry of the Game".

The Sixers. Losers. Again.

RELATED: JASON SMITH HAS NEVER BEEN THE SAME SINCE THAT NIGHT WITH MARY CAREY

CHOICE CUTS: PHILADELPHIA, MONGOL THIS CLOSE TO A THREE-PEAT

Anyone who's ever savored the sweet meatiness of Eskimo's Handsome Boy Chili knows it's ever sweeter when its maker is annually crowned the winner of Phillyskyline's chilifest at The Tritone. And while B Love is putting out the call for a new batch of worthy competitors to unseat the two-time reigning champ, let it be known that our resident Mongol isn't resting on the laurels of the past. In fact, he's coming off a rare loss at a similiar chili-off last year at the Ethical Society. But even I considered that a stunning achievement; to place third with a patented pork infested concoction in a room full of Rittenhouse Hebrews speaks volumes. Tastes even better.

BREAKING: GIL SPENCER THIS CLOSE TO LOSING HIS SHIT

If Jim Gardner can be trusted, the Delaware County Times will be printing newspapers come Friday, but not checks for their employees. Surveying the paper's blogs, all while ignoring the overwhelming sense of WOW that Delaware County Times writers actually maintain blogs, I have to admit a certain pang of comraderie for Gil Spencer, a sudden urge to give the man a hug. He sees the signs, silences his keypad, and takes a stab at a new skillset.

Photoshop, anyone?

An added bonus, the definition of irony - the Daily News covering the demise of the Daily Times.

UPDATE: No worries - the Gil Spencer I grew up hating is back with a vengenence, 10 posts before 9AM this morning - Obama's backsliding, Keith Olbermann's a hack, childish Dems, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Welcome back, Gil - and pray you don't need to rely on those Photoshop skills.

BREAKING: TASTIEST OF TASTIES IN BELLA VISTA TO SHUTTER DOORS, FORCE MONGOLS BACK TO HUNTER / GATHERER / PILLAGER MODE

I got texted by a Mongol just the other day, opened it, read it, said we're to be suckered, deprived of the most under-appreciated BYO in the city.

Molcajete Mixto is being sold. They will be here til end of the month. Xochitl bought. Will still be a Mexican spot. We need to send them off before month's end.

First, Cafe Sud departs, depriving me of the taste of tangine in the morning. Then, the Salsalito is ripped from South Street, shuttering my heart from the best chicken burritos ever (East Coast, represent). Then, Unexplained Erections Man goes on a baseball bat wielding rampage against Royal Tavern hipsters, thus eliminating his nightly, stoop-side soliloquies from my nightly dog walk due to a case of aggravated assault (I wish I had a link too, but bring over a six-pack and we'll chat / it's such a great tale, full of conspiring Mexican deliverymen, unpacked luggage and spiked H20).

And now...THIS. The probable end of choice cuts of cow and chicken, cooked in a vat of a most delectable ancho pepper and tomatillo salsa, complemented by onions, cactus and the cheese that don't melt. This, all over and out and not in my mouth no more.

This may force me back to the suburbs. In fact, it has...and regrettably, not one friggin' tacqueria. There's work to be here done, people. A Chipotle in Ardmore and a spattering of Taco Bells just won't do.

Live from Wynnewood...again.

BREAKING NEWS: HEAT MELTS ACTION NEWS' RESOLVE, POLEC'S WORLD AIRS AT 6:08 PM

For the life of me, I can't recall ever seeing Don Polec appear outside the programming block that runs from 6:22 - 6:28 PM, although truth be told, the tale of wayward Catholic schoolchildren taking over a Montgomery county pool on a day when they - aghast - should be in school was rather Cuellerish by design as opposed to "Polec World"-worthy. Still, the seismic nature of being awarded such prime airtime after all these years eating Gandolfo's scraps out of the Action News trough...well, it's reflected all too perfectly in Gardner's clenched jawline. He so doesn't get Don.

THE MORNING STROLL: OCCUPANY REQUESTS NOW OUTNUMBER TREES ON SOUTH STREET 7-to-1

I haven't manuevered around South Street in a week, and oh what a week it looks to have been. Construction crews are in full effect from 8th Street right on up into Paddy Whack's craw, and from the looks of things, a general re-allocation of sidewalk space hath deemed trees obsolete.

Chainsaws buzz, shavings fly, and suddenly the TLA...er...Fillmore looks totally bare, the shade that once fell on tens of emo kids but a thing of the past. And across the street, the gum laden tree outside Ishkabibble's weeps...it's next.

Man, like this street is totally gonna be rejuvenated just in time for them casinogoers, eh?

NUTTER FOR PRESIDENT

Now this is what I'm talking about, people!

HALLWATCH: "There was no discussion about city-based issues," said Democratic mayoral nominee Michael Nutter, working Spin Alley way past midnight. "It's astounding to me that in a two-hour debate there were no questions about crime - it's unbelievable, to consider that, unbeknownst to the candidates, a Philadelphia police officer was shot as they were talking. There was no discussion of education funding, no discussion about poverty, in a city with the highest poverty rate of any major city." (25 percent) Nutter knows that those aren't pressing issues in Iowa or New Hampshire, and that it's hard to chew up 20 minutes of debate time on Iraq and Iran and then bring the conversation back down to North Philadelphia, but..."The candidates have got to figure out how to make the federal government more relevant to the lives of citizens in cities," Nutter said.

Riding arm-in-arm with this oversight, some observational wisdom from Our Mom:

Hey, they're talking about education - in the lightning round, with 30-second limits. Sigh. Enough time for them all to endorse longer school years and a longer school day, universal pre-K, etc.

Allow me to reiterate. Sigh.